Bread-Meat-Bread. Meet the requirements and you are subject to coverage by my blog. Not Bread-meat-bread? go cry on yelp.com
This blog will be all about rating sandwiches from various locations around the Western United States as well as sandwich related items. What is a sandwich you may ask?
Veggie Sandwiches? Bread -lettuce-Bread. This is not a sandwich, this is a salad served between slices of wheat. Veggie sandwich, go get fucked. You do not belong under the sandwich portion of any restaurant's menu. Stupid glorified, unfulfilling salad .
Hamburgers: ARE-FUCKING-AWESOME. They are so awesome they deserve their own blog. Definitely a sandwich, but this blog will be tailored more narrowly to the traditional sandwich. Hamburgers might possibly be covered in later posts.
Pita Sandwich: This is the dividing point between sandwich and not. Pita is in the sandwich category, wraps are not. Cheap or stale pita bread, when opened up, often splits in two. If someone totally split pita bread in half and served it I would wonder where the pocket properties of my sandwich went. I would assume they were using shitty pita bread. Ruling: Sandwich, but just barely
Wraps: This is a bastardized burrito. You know why burritos are great, because Mexican people don't know what the fuck hummus is. The wrap is basically the vehicle for Hippy-Granola-eaters to wrap up a bunch of shit I would never eat together or separately and pawn it off as something I like. Purveyor of the wrap, you put your hummus and bean sprouts in burrito form, a form synonymous with deliciousness, and try to pass it off as something on par with the burrito? SHAME ON YOU SIRS. Shame on you for your attempts to fool me and shame on your for violating the sanctity that is the burrito form.
How are you going to determine what sandwich is the best?
The answer my friends is science. That's right a scientific rating system globally recognized as the true method of objectively rating a sandwich.
The 100 Pickle Barrel Rating System:
Meat: 25 pickles
Meat is the most important part of the sandwich and thus gets the most points/pickles/whatever. Ever eat lunch meat straight out of the bag? Of course you have. Ever eat a piece of bread straight from the bag? No, you toast that shit and put some peanut butter on it unless you have just eaten a butthole-burning pepper or a crap-ton (equivalent to 1.1 metric tones ) of hot sauce.
The Meat rating (insert penis joke here) will be subdivided into two sub-ratings (sandwich puns are sweet): Quality and Quantity.
Quality of Meat: 15 pickles
A damn tasty meat can carry most sandwiches by itself. I tend to enjoy cured meats,
turkey, actually everything. I just love the taste of meat in my mouth.
Quantity of Meat: 10 pickles
I like meat on my sandwich, a lot of meat in fact. Quantity of meat is based on a sandwich-by-sandwich basis. Sandwich makers should error on the side of too much meat. Quantity of meat is definitely bread dependent. Big piece of bread? You're gonna need a lot of meat.
Bread: 20 pickles
It makes up two thirds of the bread-meat-bread requirements. To be a top notch sandwich, great bread is a must.
Value: 20 pickles
You know what's better than a great sandwich? A great sandwich for $4. I am a student and thus poor. I am also a cheap bastard.
Spread/Lubrication: 10 pickles
I have a long held theory that mayo, cream cheese, and frosting are always overdone. No one (who is under 300 pounds) has once said "Wow, there just isn’t enough mayo on this sandwich." or "Damn they didn't put enough cream cheese on this bagel" (Situations in which you get the useless cream cheese cup not included). No, I always end up scrapping mayo off my sandwich, have cream cheese oozing out the side of the bagel all over my fingers, or gluing party plates together with 18 fucking fork-fulls of frosting from a cheap yellow cake. I digress though, I like a little mayo on my sandwich for some lubrication, I love mustard and flavored mayos, aiolis, and other dressings are the shit.
Fixings: 10 pickles
For lack of a better name, this is the category things like onions, lettuce, avocado, etc fall into.
Tomatoes: This is just a useless confused piece of food. Am I a fruit? Am I a vegetable? YOU ARE WORTHLESS, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! You make my sandwich soggy as hell with no redeeming flavor, crunch, or texture. This blog will never mention the quality of a sandwich establishment’s tomatoes because all of Colonel Honey Mustard's sandwiches are ordered sans tomatoes
Organic Sprouts, cucumber, other veggies: Stay off my sandwich!
Cheese: 5 pickles
Cheese is good on a sandwich. It can really make a sandwich but if a sandwich lacks cheese, it is not necessarily detrimental to its cause.
Originality: 5 pickles
New and exciting sandwiches are awesome.
Sandwich Shop/creator: 5 pickles
Is there a long line? Is it in shitty neighborhood? Does it smell bad? Or is the counter girl hot? Is the old guy behind the counter informative and does he inspire Obama-like hope that your sandwich is gonna be awesome?
All these questions will be summarized in this category.
Sandwich Ratings to begin shortly.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI would also add that people who get wraps think that they'll save carbs if they get a wrap, but the irony is that wraps really don't have less calories than bread does. But hey, the wrap has green food coloring in it and is called "spinach," so it must be healthier.
ReplyDeleteYeah, grinding up a tiny tiny bit of spinach and processing the crap out of it so it can make your tortilla (oops, sorry, wrap) green sure is much healthier.
Also, you appear to appreciate the eroticism of the salted, cured meats.
ReplyDeleteFirst, glad to see the blog up and running. I look forward to hearing about many many sandwiches.
ReplyDeleteGotta disagree with you on the tomatoes thing, though. Tomatoes kick ass on sandwiches, provided certain prereqs are met:
1. the sandwich cannot be on mushy bread. either a dutch crunch or toasted. gotta have the crispy to counteract the juice of the tomato.
2. the tomato has to be sliced relatively thin, ie, no more than 3/16 of an inch. 3/16 is actually the perfect thickness, since 1/4 is too big and 1/8 is too thin (gotta be some penis joke in there somewhere)
3: the tomato must be cold. cooked tomatoes in sandwiches are gross.
also, sprouts and cukes can make a good sandwich great, provided they're used in moderation. don't get me wrong, the main aspects of sandwich, bread and meat, definitely hold sway over the sandwich ruling, but if you can dress it up a bit, go for it. peppers especially help with this, but again, moderation is the key. i don't want one slice of roast beef and six pounds of lettuce.
oh, and cheese is the shit. a sandwich without cheese is fucking terrible, with the sole exception of meat-salad sandwiches (tuna salad, chicken salad, etc). you serve me a sandwich without cheese, i punch you in the face. simple.
Oh Cheese is good don't get me wrong, but really the really isn't that much room for cheese to separate and differentiate themselves from other chesses. How many times have you said "Damn if he used swiss lace instead of a baby loaf of swiss this sandwich would have been much better." Fucking never.
ReplyDeleteI was talking to Nate and he had different opinion on when tomatoes are good on a sandwich etc. There is no tomato consensus. According to you there are certain sandwiches they can be on, those they can't certain thickness the tomato must be? Am I supposed to fucking pull out the ruler measure the tomato, then follow it up with a feel-for-firmness test (I do enjoy performing this test most of the time) and then quiz the sandwich maker on how hard or soft is bread is? Fuck you tomato, any time I have to put that much work into deciding if an item belongs on my sandwich, there is no question. Hold the tomato.
What about open faced melts? An open faced sandwich completely destroys your bread-meat-bread equation. It should really be berad(optional)-meat-bread. Also where does toasted versus non toasted play into the rating system?
ReplyDelete